An Open Appeal to the Iranian American Community

WE HAVE LOST OUR 'HAR Please Help Us Find Afshin Nassiri (aka "Alex Nassiri")! FAQ:

1. Why do you call him the 'HAR?

The origins of the name "'HAR" are shrouded in the mists of antiquity. One vicious and thoroughly discredited rumor holds that the name is short for "Eva Khahar." We categorically deny this. Unfortunately for the female populations of Westwood, San Jose, and Evansville, the 'HAR is 100% heterosexual.

2. Why are you looking for him?

We love our little 'HAR. He abandoned us. We just want to know that he is being properly fed. We want to make sure he has a fireplace to warm his little 'HAR feet. Also, we miss the smell of hydrogen sulfide.

3. What does the 'HAR look like?

The next time you visit the British Museum, look at the wall carvings of Hammurabi and Nebuchadnezzar standing around in chariots. If you haven't seen those, the 'HAR is about six foot two, with an ENORMOUS head, the biggest you have ever seen in your life. He is a charter member of the Society of Fair Skinned Iranians (SFSI), and he has large blue fisheyes. His nostrils are elliptical and uniquely adapted for rapid closure in the event of a sandstorm. His beard comes to a precise prophetic point in profile, and typically has Ramen noodles and bits of saran wrap embedded in it. His hair has the consistency of a steel wire brush. In his housepainting days he scraped paint by rubbing his head against the wall.

4. Is the 'HAR known by any other names?

The 'HAR has literally hundreds of nicknames. Some of the most important are: ... and countless others.

5. What should I feed the 'HAR?

When we knew him, the 'HAR would eat anything as long as it was within his physical reach and was not actually moving. Quantity of food and speed of delivery were far more important to him than quality. He once ate three Chicken Supremes, a Jumbo Jack, two large fries, and a large vanilla shake in one sitting at the Rosemead Boulevard Jack-in-the Box in Pasadena. He also favored Kung Pao chicken, Ramen noodles, and McRib ("pig's meat") sandwiches.

6. How can I tell if the 'HAR is in a bathroom?

Look for people surfing out the door.

7. What should I do if I spot the 'HAR?

First, put on a gas mask. Tell the 'HAR that his friends are looking for him. Then please contact this web site with a report of the sighting.

8. Where was that 'HAR last seen?

The last time any of us ever actually saw our little 'HAR was January, 1996, in Thousand Oaks, California. We know that in the late 1990s he lived in San Jose, and sometime in the 2000 decade he and his wife "Sudafed" moved to Evansville, Wisconsin. When we knew him, he was not married, so we have never met Sudafed. We believe she was one of the Zelzah Boulevard Iranians (ZBIs), but that's a story for another time. One of us went to Evansville and saw his house, but did not see HIM. However, the evidence was strong that he was in Evansville around 2004. Recently, we heard that the 'HAR might be back in San Jose. SAN JOSE IRANIANS (or any Iranians having a high school or other reunion in San Jose), PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED. If he is in San Jose, he may be frequenting the Chatanoga Persian restaurant. If you're behind him in line, don't light a match!